Silence
by gohanfan1
Summary: America is sick of it all. People calling him fat and lazy and he also feels sick for having feelings for his brother. All he wants is for the pain to go away but since he's a nation he's immortal... Or can he change that? Warning: Suicide


Disclamier: I do not own Hetalia

Other Clamier: It's not a happy story XD I wrote it before writing this and now I don't know what to do :P I almost cried or did I forgot XD So Warning Suicide. -Also brotherly intrests that is onesided- Hope you like it :) ((Thank you Amy Kitty Katz( I looked through it and you were right XD I added more details and hopefully it makes more since :3 and also I challenge myself by listening to mad world /Piano and orginal/ and it makes it a lot more sad T^T try it :P))

Chapter One

America bit his bottom lip hard as he felt the sting from the knife ran through his body. Tears formed in his eyes and he started moving the blade to the side while pushing down making a small cut. It started bleeding down his arm in massive amounts making him cringe at the site. It feel onto his wrinkled up t-shirt he carrlessly threw on that morning. He cut it a bit deep to the point he could kind of look inside as the blood began to form pools onto the floor. He couldn't hold onto his tears any longer as they ran down his face making it wet. He saw his own blood a ton of times but the pain that came into his heart was overwealming. Why'd they all make fun of his weight and what he ate? He knew he wasn't the brightest crayon in the box but he knew a lot about other things. The only one that never laughed and never said a word about him was his twin brother Canada. And recently he had started feeling something he should have never had for his twin brother. He felt like he was a discusting fat pervert that shouldn't be allowed to live. Being a nation it was almost impossiable to kill yourself but he had been experamenting and this way seemed be working... A little bit... But to his dismay it seemed as if the wound was closing itself up to stop the bleeding, making America hit the wall madly. Why'd he have to be a nation? All he wanted to do was...

An idea formulated in his head as he grabbed a towel to clean the excess blood from himself. He moved into his bedroom where he got under his bed to fish out a book he had stash there. The blue covers that was covering it kept hitting his head but he didn't care. He smiled thinly at the book as he started sceeming through the pages. He had stollen the book from Englands house one night mistaking it for one of his horror books. The cover had some creepy ingravings on it so it made him think it was his. Since he was a nation he knew almost every language to be able to talk to the others accordingly. Though they spoke the same language a lot which changed everyday. His latin skills had been a bit rusty but he knew what he was reading. One of the things made him stop turning. There it was. A spell to make him be able to die! All he needed was some black candles, some weird sounding plants, and... A gun? That part had taken him aback. Did he only need to shoot himself in the head? Well, he'd try the spell just incase he were not to die. He found out he was sudicidal when he felt like everyone of his freinds and family turned their back to him which was a month ago when everyone practically did. He asked to vist all of the nations and the only one that said yes was Canada. His sweet lovable, strangly violent during a hockey game, brother that he loved dearly. Another reason he wanted to die. He dropped the book into the floor and curled on his bed. He didn't really want to die all he wanted was to be loved. That's all he wanted! For someone to tell him he was important to this world not that he was a stupid slack ass that ate junk food all the time. He worked out and ate regular meals at home a lot. But his love of McDonalds was just something he liked really well. The peole were always nice there and asked what he would like and the reaction on their faces would always be priceless. He felt a pain in his stomach which told him he bled a lot before. He groaned and smirked as he grabbed his computer that was laying on his bedroom counter. Those herbs weren't going to get themselves and what better way to get them but by Amazon*.

Next Day:

America smiled as he got fast shipping so the package would get there as soon as it could. He was glad there wasn't a meeting today so he could set up everything. He sat up and looked down and sighed as he forgot to take a shower and change his clothes. The blood that had fallen on him was caked over and the place where he did cut himself was gone, with out a trace left behind. He got up slowly and went into the basemeant not caring about his attire at the least. This wasn't the first time he woke up with blood stains on his clothes and this surely won't be his last... Or would it? He opened the basement door and looked around before he smiled as he found a box labeled 'Blackout'. He was sure they there would be candles in that box. He tore it open and needless to say there they were. candles of all colors but he only grabbed the black ones per distruction. He went back into his room and was placing the candles in a way that the picture showed that he should when he heard his door bell ring. He groaned and went into his closet to grab a robe to hide his body. He wondered who came over and was slightly happy if it was one of the other nations but it was just a FedEx girl that wanted him to sign his name on a board thing. He thanked the women and smoothy added in some compliments to make her blush and laugh. It was sad that the only person he truely loved was his brother but he had to admit she was beautiful. Shoulder length brown hair that was straightened, peircing blue eyes, small freckles across her small noes, and was not to skinny so she obvisouly did well in her life where she had enough time to eat. He carried the things back into his room and grabbed the knife he used the other night to cut the box open. He did an 'awe' take as he took the things out one by one. He moved to get a bowl and read the instuctions. Chop, tear, burn, boil, ect. He wiped a bead of sweat from his head as he did these things as fast as he could even though he wasn't in that much of a hurry. He placed the bowl in the middle of the floor and smiled. All he had to do was light the candles and he'd be done. He'd be able to... All of a sudden a ringing went through his house indicating that someone was at the door. He looked in the direction confused, wondering if the Fedex woman forgot something for him. He shrugged and went over to answer it, closing his bedroom door on the way out, of course. He opened the front door and a suprised look came over his face as his brother was standing there with a worried look plastered on the others face.

"Hey Alfred... Could we talk?" He nodded and opened the door more letting his brother in first so he could close it behind. Matthew went over and sat on his couch looking everywhere but America. Alfred sat beside, crossing his legs, looking at his brother worriedly. Canada looked like he had been up awhile since his clothes were nice and neat. A red hoodie with a white maple leaf on it and plain, obviously ironed, blue jeans that were suppose to be ruffled but it was straightened. He felt a bit self concious as he pulled the robe tighter around himself.

"Are you okay Mat?" His brother then sighed and held onto a small smile looking at America.

"I'm gay..." America's eyes widened and inside he smiled. Was his brother going to some out and say that he loved him? Was he going to be told that he was loved in a partner type of way?

"Look I don't know how you look on gay's but I just wanted to tell you since I'm afriad to tell the others... Well they don't know I'm there half the time." He started to play with his thumbs nervous and America wrapped an arm around his shoulders happily.

"It's okay dude I'm gay. I just haven't really told anyone about it either." Canada's eyes looked at him shocked.

"Re... Really?" America nodded and Canada hugged him with a smile on his face.

"Oh thank god!" He said excitingly. America wanted to hold him like this all day but knew he wouldn't be able to do that.

"So... Have you meet someone yet or have a chrush?" He kicked himself mentally for asking but he wanted to know. He wanted to know if he atleast had a small chance with him. Canada smiled and nodded his head.

"I'm going out with Gilbert. He's really nice and I've had a chrush on him for years. I guess you could say it was love at first sight eh. He's the only one I'll probably ever love." He was looking at the ceiling so happy but as he talked he made America's heart keep breaking over and over. He loved Mat but he also had other chruses like Russia but who would want him? He felt the tears coming back so he stood up with a forced smile.

"Would you like a drink or something?" Canada looked at him with a bit of worry as he stood up also.

"I was going to go meet up at the meeting place to get some papers... Are you okay? You look kind of sad." America just forced himself to smile larger.

"Don't worry about it dude. Everything will be better soon for everyone..." He started to walk to the front door to open it making Canada more worried. He went outside but turned to look at America with a worried expression.

"If you need to talk, you have my number okay." He didnt wait for a reply as he simple started to walk away. America shut the door and slid down it crying. Why'd he have to get his hopes up with the people he loved. Canada was now with Prussia, Russia wouldn't even think twice about him, England had France, China was always with Japan, Germany was always with Italy, and the list went on and on. He got up and walked right back to his room slamming the door getting the lighter to quickly light the candles as the tears fell down his eyes. He cursed as he accediently burnt his finger on one but was happy when it was finished. He grabbed the book and stood in the middle chanting the words. Some made since to him while other words did not. He almost messed up a bunch of words as he read through them at a fast pase. When he finished the last word and then suddenly a blinding light surrounded him for a moment and he felt... Different. He smiled and knew in his heart that his immoratlity was now gone. He went to a piece of paper and a pen that he left out so he could write a note before he was gone. He could not help as he began to cry again as he wrote,

"Dear Who Ever Read's This,

I guess you have found me but dont worry I'm in a better place now. One where they don't make fun of what I eat and what I don't know. One where I won't be lonely. Sorry for all the holes in the paper but I can't stop crying and it's tearing it up as I write. Canada I loved you so much and not in a brotherly way. When you came over I was sad. Sad that no one really loved me. I was planning this for about a year so don't worry, it's not your fault. You're the reason I lived this long in fact. You're the only one that didn't laugh at me and didn't say that you had better things to do when I asked to come and visit you. I've tried many ways to die but I hope this one works. All I wanted was to be loved. Is that so hard to ask for is a single person on this Earth to love me for me? I'm so lonely it hurts. But it won't hurt anymore right?

Love,

America~"

He smiled with tears continueing to fall as he folded it up. He sighed as he began to clean up the drawing on the ground and the candles. He threw away the herbs and plants as he hid the candles and book to be found later by England. He grabbed the gun that he laid beside his bed and then laid down on his bed. He didn't take off his robe he didn't want to since it owuldn't matter what he wore. His hand was shacking as he placed the grey hand guns barrell at his temple. Tears were going everywhere and he closed his eyes tight.

"Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep,

If I should die before I wake,

I pray to God my soul to take."

The sound of a gun echoed through the halls... And then... Silence...

But is it forever?


End file.
